Warlocks & the Vatican

As you know, Charlie Sheen has recently been making strafing runs in his underwear around various TV and radio shows, erecting an odd philosophical system. But just as Meister Eckhart‘s apophatic theology of an uncreated soul bewildered the Avignon syllabus, so too it may be that Sheen’s “rants” describe a highly nuanced theology.

Charlie Sheen and His Army

In particular, I would like to treat one primary claim, which Sheen revealed during a discourse last week on the Alex Jones Show. Like a good Scholastic master, Sheen supported his primary claim — which we’ll get to in a moment — with a tripod of subsidiary theses. His preliminary tenets are:

  1. Personal supernatural powers (allegorical): “I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic.”
  2. Support from a legion of higher, but still created, beings: “There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”
  3. Metaphorical Jesuitical support for apostolic successors: “Guys, it’s right there in the thing, duh! We work for the Pope, murder people.”

Based on these premises, Sheen makes his primary claim, namely:

“We are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people.”

In classical etymology, a warlock is simply a male witch. It may derive from the Old English waerloga, or deceiver. Assassins are those who murder others, often from political or mercenary motives. The Vatican is the seat of the Holy See. So Sheen’s claim to be a “Vatican assassin warlock” would seem to imply papal employment of known heretics to break the Fifth Commandment — certainly an original, if hardly orthodox, ecclesiology.

The Biblical stance on witchcraft is inconclusive. Certainly, the Pentateuch condemns witches and sorceresses (Deut. 18:11-12) and issues an assassination warrant of its own: “Do not permit a sorceress to live” (Ex. 22:18). However, the injunctions in the Hebrew Bible are clearly directed against female witches — not warlocks.

In fact, a man referred to as Simon Magus in the New Testament Book of Acts (8:9-24) is probably a species of warlock. “Magus” means “worker of magic.” Yet in Acts, Luke admits Simon had followers among the Samaritans whom he had “bewitched,” and ultimately this warlock was baptized. As to whether he then joined the secret ninja armies which Peter (Cephas) was forming behind the back of the Apostle Paul, the record is tellingly silent.

Belief in witches was outlawed by the eighth century Council of Paderborn. Likewise, the so-called “witch-hunts” that began in the Inquisitorial 15th and 16th centuries primarily sanctioned belief — treating witchcraft as heresy, while (implicitly) allowing practice, particularly among men. Luther called upon ministers to stone (female) witches (Table Talk 1538), yet Luther himself was condemned as a heretic by the Vatican.

So a close reading of the sources reveals that with respect to denizens of the Dark Arts, the Vatican has been careful to condemn only (1) females rather than males, and (2) believers rather than practitioners.

Leaving a huge, Sheen-sized loophole in Canon Law for precisely those agents of infallible, supernal justice he posits: that is, the deadly VATICAN ASSASSIN WARLOCK!


One response to “Warlocks & the Vatican

  1. Fascinating! This had me laughing out loud.

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